Functioning Member: Lousy Smarch Weather



It will be 60 degrees today, for two hours, if you are standing in the sun. Yesterday it was near freezing and so windy we could feel blasts of leftover winter plowing through our upstairs windows. Friday’s forecast features a picture of a snowflake. It’s making us a little crazy; all we want is to go outside and stay there, without all the just-in-case layers. How can we survive another month of being intermittently house bound?

How did we get through this winter? We used cannabis, of course, but we like our cannabis paired with things, so we did other stuff too. Now, as we sit here with the windows open wondering why it’s kind of warm outside but we still need long sleeves and knit hats, let’s take a look at what we did during those dark cold times when we couldn’t bring ourselves to leave the house and any more television would just rot our brains. Since it’s not really spring yet, and we might still need to avail ourselves of some of these tricks.


1. Pull back the curtains.


I think science will soon discover a link between vitamin D and cannabis enjoyment. It is a plant best experienced in the sun, not in a shaded corner of the basement where no one will find you. We’re sick of hiding, and there’s no reason for it. So if you live in place where cannabis consumption is legal, and you’re permitted to do it in front of an open window, let the sunshine seep through, and allow the world see you consuming. Remember though, there are still a lot of people who don’t know about cannabis, and it’s our duty to be cannambassadors for our plant. Put on your fanciest clothes, get out your fanciest apparatus, and do something that looks intelligent and modern. Besides, you deserve to be pampered after enduring this shit-ass winter, so ensconce yourself in a velvet smoking jacket, turn on D’Angelo’s Black Messiah, and do a little coding on your MacBook. Not only will this allow people a chance to see that there are many different kinds of cannabis connoisseurs in the world, open windows on sunny days will keep you warm. It’s how they heat their homes in Russian novels.


2. Sit in front of a space heater and pretend like it’s a fireplace.


If you’re fortunate enough to have a fireplace and a special someone and a quality vape pen, you don’t really have to do much more than show up and build. If you’re fortunate enough to have a vape pen and special someone but no fireplace, maybe find a nice space heater, a quality sativa to help with creativity, and pretend you’ve got a fireplace. A good, energy efficient space heater, quality cannabis, and your imagination will allow you to stay warm in one place without heating the whole stupid house for another whole stupid month.

When we lived in Vermont we had heating units in our two-story apartment that looked like wood burning stoves. When we turned them on actual fire came up through the grates and filled the room with warmth. Jenn and I would share a blanket and a glass pipe of locally grown flower, because vape pens hadn’t been invented yet. I think it was essential to our sanity during those eight months out of the year we spent inside.

Later, the woman who rented us the apartment went on to beat Bobby Flay in a brownie baking challenge. Her brownies had goat cheese in them.


3. Cook a week’s worth of food on a Sunday.


I do wish we had brownies with goat cheese in them. A benefit to being housebound in the winter is we always learn to make a few new dishes. This year Jenn learned how to make an amazing chicken and biscuit stew, and we ate a lot of kale soup and fresh baked bread. But we didn’t learn how to bake bread. We also didn’t learn how to make goat cheese brownies. There is still time, though. The next day we’re stuck inside watching 40 degree rain we are going to learn how to make simple rustic bread, and we are going to just order those brownies – they look amazing – all while savoring a concentrated hybrid, maybe Blue Dream. Also a good option for heating your house.


4. Cultivate some Andy Harris.


Even better than learning how to bake: learn how to produce your own marijuana! This one’s for you especially, District of Columbia. Now that cannabis is legal in Washington DC but the government won’t let anyone sell you any, it’s your obligation to create a true gift economy. Please make sure to grow enough that you can give some away.

If you’re an experienced grower we suggests working to produce a new strain of cannabis called Andy Harris. It should be highly potent, pharmaceutical grade in its ability to manage pain but without all horrible side effects that accompany many prescription drugs, as well as capable of treating aliments all over the body, not just the part it was elected to govern.


5. Get involved in the cannabis movement.


If you don’t live in a state where you’re allowed to grow or purchase cannabis, maybe it’s time to do something about that. As the winter subsides and you have to spend a few more collective weeks inside we suggest you strongly consider lending your expertise and passion to the marijuana movement.

We don’t think you should start Weekend Review Kit, because we already started that. But in the six months since we launched we’ve been blessed to meet the most amazing, coolest, nicest people we’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with. This is an exciting time to be alive and loving cannabis. And there is still so much work to be done, no matter where you live. Find a NORML meeting, get involved with Students For a Sensible Drug Policy, attend a Women Grow networking event. The time is now to come out of the basement and meet some friends as we continue to change the country’s perception of not just cannabis but the cannabis connoisseur as well.



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