Functioning Member: Holiday Shopping

Christmas Village

 

Whatever your December plans are, they most likely involve some kind of gift giving. Maybe it’s a work swap, a small token for someone special, a student-loan size credit card debt on doll accessories, or a sparkling white luxury car with red ribbon just right for perfectly manicured families. Even before we had a child, and the month became about school breaks and lists for Santa, Ella and I always exchanged something (the least glorious, maybe most romantic being fortune cookies – free with the meal! – and movie tickets). In any case, it’s a difficult time to navigate and can be worry inducing for the unprepared.

 

But you are not unprepared! You have cannabis! And Weekend Review Kit! Follow WRK’s simple six-step guide to holiday gift buying and be free from anxiety.*

 

*this statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration

 

  1. Try to avoid the mall and shop at local small businesses.

 

Music is a great gift. I love the local record store. For me, online shopping is a last resort because I not only want to feel good about supporting something owned by a neighbor but because I like being surprised by what I find in the store. I don’t want a computer algorithm to determine what should go alongside my purchase of Singles by Future Islands. Maybe I want Vaudeville Villain by Viktor Vaughn or maybe I want a pair of socks with Christmas lights. You can procure all these things at the record store.

 

If you’re looking for something a little quirkier than a record, a quality local business will reflect the personality of the shop and the surrounding community. You’ll have the opportunity to pick up something unexpected, like a cookbook of meals best eaten in front of a fire or hand crafted berry bowl from the local potters.

 

Record Store

 

  1. Visit any number of craft fairs in your area.

 

Perhaps they’ll have funny names like Pile of Craft or Holiday Heap or Bazaart, but, either way, craft fairs are the best place to support a local artist without a storefront. You have the best chance of finding one-of-a-kind items, and you may even makes some new friends who live nearby.

 

  1. But sometimes you have to go to the mall…

 

Some will say try going to the mall when it’s less crowded, to avoid the peak times. Others will tell you that you should embrace the holiday hustle, expect and accept the crowds, and do your best to spread a little cheer.

 

Weekend Review Kit thinks you should hire a babysitter if you have kids, make sure you’ve got a ride lined up, and then consume all the cannabis. All of it. In as many forms as you can safely handle. Have you seen those stickers that read: “all cannabis use is medicinal”? They mean “at the mall.”

 

Pink House

 

There is no good time and no good way to go to a mall in December. It’s getting easier to avoid, but at least once a year we find ourselves there, holding a five dollar coffee-flavored sugar milk and getting politely edged away from the H43 section of the mall directory, the only part we really need to look at, because we are pretty sure that’s where the build your own animal store is and we need a gift card. Not for our kid though, we already learned that lesson.

 

Luckily mall directories are online. Study the layout beforehand, take a list so you don’t get sidetracked, and embrace some cathartic crying on the way home.

 

  1. Now you don’t have to feel bad about using Amazon Prime like everyone else.

 

You started local, went to the mall when you had to, and now you’ve earned the right to sit on your couch and shop.

 

But be careful. While we feel like the negative aspects of cannabis consumption have been greatly overblown, Ella and I have both noticed a tendency to spend more, at night, after we’ve smoked. Part of it is the disconnect between the money in the bank we may never see and the tangible goods acquired through the click of a button, but part of it is because we are always in a such a pleasant mood, sharing a bowl or a pen, relaxing and enjoying each other’s company.

 

“Good day today.”

 

“It was. Even going to the mall wasn’t so bad. We got coffee at least.”

 

“I know. Something about foamed milk in the winter, it always makes me happy.”

 

“Me too…I just one-clicked us a cappuccino maker. I paid the extra $12.13 to get it here by noon tomorrow.”

 

Future Islands Cappuccino

 

Really, we think that if our nation’s retailers realized how much extra stuff we would all order at night after we put our kids to bed, marijuana would be legal by next Thanksgiving.

 

  1. Make something.

 

You spent all your money on babysitters, board games, mall lattes, and impulse buys that you’ll justify as gifts by wrapping them and giving them to yourself, but you’ve still got a few people left on your list.

 

Do you have the Internet? Of course you do. The Internet is full of cheap, easy, creative gifts that you can locate through brief searches of blogs and Pinterest pages. Or you could check Buzzfeed once every 15 minutes. This year WRK is making chocolate cherry brownies – while stoned, when the kid’s not around – and glittery mason jar tea light holders – while not stoned, because our daughter loves glitter, and if you run any kind of website during the month of December you must type the words “mason jar” at least twice or you get shut down.

 

Handmade gifts, though maybe a bit more work up front than shopping, can really take a lot of stress out of the giving. They’re egalitarian – everyone gets the same thing – and the recipients will always appreciate that you took the time to make something for them.

 

  1. And, if you’re lucky enough to live in a place that allows it, you can always give cannabis.

 

 

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