High Need Parenting: Somebody’s Got to Eat It

High Need Parenting…because every child is a high need child, and cannabis can only help so much.

Send us your questions: weekendreviewkit (at) gmail (dot) com

 

halloween

 

All this talk of edibles in my kid’s candy has me really nervous. Would it be better to tell him that Halloween, this thing he loved, is now dead, just like I did the time he told me his “imaginary friend” broke the PlayStation?

Crusher of Dreams

 

Dream Crusher,

That seems a bit extreme, though we admit we’ve thought about offing a few imaginary friends in our lesser moments. Laced Halloween candy has been a much-discussed topic this year, with the Denver police doing their part to guarantee we’re all “well informed.” The Cannabist’s Brittany Driver wrote an excellent piece a few weeks ago on keeping your kids safe, and highlighted some of the origins of the laced Halloween candy urban legend, while pointing out that this hasn’t ever really happened.

 

When we were kids it was razors in the apples and LSD on stickers – these were the things to look out for – and our parents made sure to inspect our candy before we were allowed to stuff ourselves stupid.

 

I feel like we take an even more cautious approach with our daughter than our parents did with us. She’s allowed to trick-or-treat until she can’t walk anymore, then we spread out the bounty on a table to give everything a once over. After picking out a couple of treats for the evening everything goes back in the bag, then during the following weeks, after she “eats” something that resembles a “good” dinner she’s allowed to have another piece of candy, while I slowly gorge myself each night after she’s in bed and Ella shakes her head at me, until everything is gone, usually around the first of December.

 

 

I’m pretty low on cash because I spent it all on an Elsa costume. What are my chances of scoring some free edibles that were intended for children?

Let Me Know

 

Let It Go,

Again, it is very unlikely this will happen, simply because there’s very little evidence it’s ever happened before. Still, whenever kids are involved it’s good to be diligent, just as it’s good to be diligent about looking for free cannabis. You never know. There is an interesting story in Forbes about a mailman accidentally giving out actual weed that had been resealed in individualized Snickers bar packages. Maybe some nefarious weed scientist is trying to slip kids some edibles. If so maybe it’s your job to try and stop them.

 

Responsible, broke cannabis consumers of Denver: THE PUBLIC NEEDS YOUR HELP! ONLY YOU CAN CONSUME THE EDIBLES MEANT FOR CHILDREN!! YOU WILL NOT REST!!! YOU ARE LEGION!!!!

 

 

Let’s say all the Halloween candy happens to be cannabis-free; I’m still not comfortable letting my kids have that much sugar. But I must admit, I do love it myself. Am I wrong for forbidding my kid to eat certain candies, then eating them when they go to bed?

Sugar High

 

Empire Records Fan,

Yes, we think you are wrong. Sugar, particularly the processed, refined variety found in most Halloween candies, is very unhealthy. Just ask all those people in One Hundred Years of Solitude. You’re right to keep that kind of candy away from your children, even if it’s only around for a short time. Let them have a few pieces, just enough so that they have a sense of what they are missing all year long and don’t feel ridiculous when their friends are comparing their bounties, and then trick them into giving the rest away. We know families who do some kind of trade off, where the kid can exchange candy for a toy, and then the grownups take the candy into their offices so that it can be spread out amongst their colleagues. Don’t fall prey to the temptation; you’ve kept the children safe, now do the right thing for yourself and just get rid of the candy. You don’t need it. Particularly if you have any Smarties or Fun Dip. You especially don’t need those, and WRK is happy to help you dispose of them. You don’t have to worry about how we get rid of them. That’s WRK’s problem. Sure, we are going to take them to work. Never mind that we work from home. No, that’s not Fun Dip on our lips. We’ve been eating really crystally marijuana flowers, because we like to.

 

 

My husband suggested we give out something other than candy this year, like something healthier. He said we should offer trick-or-treaters raisins, which he called “nature’s candy.” If I can’t convince him, do we have to move?

There Goes the Neighborhood

 

NIMBY,

Absolutely, you would for sure have to move. You might as well pass out eggs and toilet paper. Nature is a beautiful thing, but nature is terrible at making delicious candy that is bad for you. Even if your husband learns his lesson when all the pumpkins get smashed, you’ll never be able to hold your head up in your neighborhood again. No child wants wrinkly grapes for Halloween. You need to talk him out of this, for the kids. Besides, boxes of raisins are too easily tampered with. We throw those out at our house, and not just because dried fruit for Halloween is insulting, although partially because of that.

 

 

I can’t help but worry about marijuana in my kids’ Halloween candy, but why should I stop worrying there? What about all the other drugs someone could put in my kids’ treats? I heard about this one drug on TV the other day that can cause heart palpitations, seizures, blindness, and painful penis erections that last longer than four hours. Shouldn’t I be as concerned about my kids getting slipped one of these? Halloween’s on a Friday this year. It’s not like I can just let the school nurse take care of them like I normally do. I do not want to spend my weekend dealing with this; it’s hard enough to get them to go to sleep with just the sugar.

Fearful of Pharmies

 

MMJ Lobbyist,

I think you’re right. This is a real concern that we don’t feel the mainstream media is taking seriously enough. If it’s possible to slip us marijuana edibles what about all the crap you can get at the drugstore? Teenagers go trick-or-treating. Why aren’t we more concerned about teenagers getting dosed with Cialis?

 

Jesus, we just had a truly horrible thought: what if someone slips some energy pills into our kid’s candy? She won’t ever calm down now. Why isn’t something being done about this??? Doesn’t anyone care about our children, and how much of a pain in the ass they can be when they aren’t on surprise stimulants? Fuck this. Halloween is cancelled at the Peligrosa-Malloy household. It’s not worth the free candy or the drugs. Though we’re no doubt drinking all those pills in our tap water anyway.

 

Posted in Features, High Need Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .

One Comment

  1. Pingback: Sweet Grass Kitchen Sets the Standard | Weekend Review Kit

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *