If you are the owner of a Seattle-based medical marijuana business, please note that you are now required by law to submit regulatory application materials in triplicate by the end of this business day to the proper authorities. Failure to do so will result in the revocation of your licensure as well as the imposition of certain punitive measures: financial, proprietary, or emotional.
If you fail to submit your regulatory application materials in triplicate and are therefore found in violation, you will be forced to close your business by the end of this calendar year. As we are unsure whether or not you are a medical marijuana establishment, please note that it is your responsibility to both submit your regulatory application materials in triplicate and to shutter your business should you either fail to submit your application or should your application be rejected for violations to be determined at a later date.
If you are in any way involved in what we – or you – deem to be major marijuana activity you should consider yourself subject to the same regulatory standards as any city business, and we advise you to consult Tip Sheet #134, which we have not provided, provided of course that you are involved in major marijuana activity.
Please also note that the type of licensure required depends greatly on the type of major marijuana activity in which you may or may not be involved, and failure to apply for the proper type of licensure will result in the rejection of your application immediately after the city has formed the necessary committees to evaluate and reject whichever type of application for which you have applied.
Furthermore, as the necessary committees do not yet exist, we are unable to process any applications related to major marijuana activity at this time, and, as you failed to have your application processed in the timely manner alluded to at the beginning of this letter, you should consider yourself in violation of whichever regulations apply to whatever exactly it is that you do.
If, however, at this moment you are not reading this letter then we would like to offer you our sincerest congratulations! Please present the preceding correspondence, within one hour of you not having read it, to whoever is currently in charge of medical marijuana licensure for the City of Seattle. You have been selected to receive a fully stocked, fully operational, and fully licensed medical marijuana business, located just at the top of the hill that you can almost make out through the fog, and we have sent two assistants to aid in your ascent.