Functioning Member: Wedding Etiquette

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Outdoor weddings, at the glorious instant between summer and fall when it’s cool enough to wear a suit comfortably all day, are a wonderful thing. Cannabis outside is also a wonderful thing. However, many of us, even those who live in places where marijuana is legal, must negotiate some delicate situations. You know it’s okay for you to use cannabis in public, but not everyone else is so sure. You should always be careful. But have no fear: Weekend Review Kit is here with some highly specific tips to get help you attend your next outdoor wedding with style and grace.


  1. Wear nice socks.

Confidence is crucial, and the right clothes will convey to your fellow wedding guests that you are full of pride for both the newlyweds and your ability to be under the influence of marijuana and yet still intelligent, intelligible, and generally in possession of all of your faculties. Since most guests will be wearing their finest garments, the right pair of socks will establish you as an attendee of supreme taste. For today’s event I’ve chosen purple and black penguin socks, purchased from The Quintessential Gentleman, where I used to get my haircut.


  1. Have a quality pair of sunglasses.

The best part of any wedding taking place outdoors! You get to keep your sunglasses on! Like your pair of classy socks, a fine pair of sunglasses announces to the people around you that you are superfly. No matter how clear and coherent you manage to be, red, itchy eyes are off putting for the people you’re conversing with and uncomfortable and distracting to you while you explain how the character Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy is based on the song “Rocky Raccoon.” Until 20 minutes after the ceremony, when everyone starts drinking and everyone’s eyes turn a little red. I am wearing gold aviator glasses, slightly mirrored.


  1. Get a drink and hold it in your hand; you’ll fit in, and if you move around a lot, no one will notice how slowly you’re drinking it.

All right all right. You might have felt a bit nervous when you showed up, because you had to have the thing you like in your hotel room or even worse, crouched over in a parked car, before the party started, just in case there wasn’t a time to break away and have a little taste. But it’s the reception now. It’s the real celebration, and almost everyone is drinking something. Grab a beer, glass of wine, or hopefully a cocktail and hold on tight. Now, no matter how much you’ve had, you’ll fit right in. I enjoy Greyhounds, because grapefruit juice is good for my stomach.


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  1. Remember, consuming alcohol is very different than consuming marijuana.

After about an hour you’ll observe that many people are far more intoxicated than you are. This is a nice time to collect compliments and grow your self-esteem. Try to take note of which guests are drinking the most and go say hi early. They love you so much, they just want you to know that. You’re really special, and it’s times likes these, you know, when everyone is all together, that you have to just say it, you know. Family, right? And these good times. That’s what really matters. They love you so much. You’re the best. They really mean that. Exit that conversation when you’ve had enough hugs and laugh about all those times people told you marijuana kills brain cells.


  1. Find the designated drivers; they offer the best chance for intelligent, later-in-the-evening conversation.

After you’ve amassed a healthy allotment of boozy love, it’s time to find someone to talk with. If the reception is not being held at a hotel, there’s a good chance a quarter of the room is there to drive the rest of the folks home. Want to have a real conversation about the likelihood of a Seattle Mariners/Baltimore Orioles Pennant series or the relationship between The King in Yellow and True Detective? A designated driver is the person you’re looking for as the night winds down.


  1. Don’t trust the guy in the fish tie and fedora with the weed tattoo. He’s a narc. For real.

This might not seem obvious but it is essential, especially as we still operate in a society convinced of antiquated ideas about what it’s like to be under the influence of cannabis. You may find yourself sitting at a table with a young man in a bright orange shirt and trendy brimmed hat, a silk tie made to look like a whole salmon with the tail just below the knot at his throat. He may even have a tattoo of a pot leaf on his left leg, and you may notice that he seems less inclined to talk with you than everyone else at the table. This is because he is a narc, an actual narcotics officer, who got that tattoo on a dare. Which, when you think about it, is an awesome and appalling idea.


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While it’s unfortunate that you have to keep this part of your life secret it is for the best – you have a family and a job – so sip your Greyhound and wait for a time when you can take your personal vaporizer onto the terrace and watch the sunset. That time is coming soon.


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